Influencing Tip: Using 2 powerful words

There's two words which I love to use because when used at the right time, the other person is compelled to follow you wherever you want to take them ... just for a while at least!

When we hear the words, Imagine that/Imagine if ... for the briefest of moments, we drop our agendas,  lower our guard and give our full attention, even if the phrase that follows is absurd and even if we don't like the person who's speaking.

Example 1)

"Imagine that for the next two weeks, you had your own Michelin-starred chef to do all the cooking for you and your family including your breakfasts, lunch and supper as well as an assistant to do all the clearing up."

Whilst for most of us, this is a most unlikely scenario, our brains will still get to work imagining the convenience, the taste of the sumptuous food and the sheer decadence of such an idea.

Example 2)

"Imagine if your website produced so many leads for you that you no longer had to make cold calls."

For those of us who still labour with making cold calls, whether or not we trust our web designer to deliver something that good, we still can't help but be lured into imagining a life without cold calls as well as a new all singing and dancing website producing effortless leads.

Given the power of Imagine if/Imagine that, it's our job as business developers or as leaders to work out:

- How to deliver the phrase naturally and as part of a flowing conversation

- What we most need our customers to imagine in order for them to buy from us, or what our team members most need to imagine in order to follow our lead

- When to use the phrase so it delivers maximum impact

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their resilience, influence and productivity:

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

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Non-resident parenting at it's best: Tip 4 - Farewell to Fear

When people use fear to influence others, it can work ... for a bit ... but eventually, fear turns into contempt and if someone holds you in contempt, you have no chance of exerting any meaningful influence over that person. Things generally work out badly for all bullies/tyrants in the end and it's not so dissimilar with parenting.

Whatever style of parenting you delivered prior to your separation, you must ensure that if you're a non-resident parent, you exercise a parenting style which does NOT include fear in its toolbox. This means avoiding all forms of physical punishment and emotional intimidation.

There are a number of reasons why ditching the fear factor is crucial for non-resident parents

1) Given the power the resident parent has, if your children fear you as the non-resident parent and they're reserved about coming to see you, you're contact with them is in serious danger, even if a firm contact order has been agreed. 

2) Fear shuts down creative thinking and over a long period of time, it prevents your children from being the best they can be.

3) Fearful children appear respectful when they're younger but all children eventually grow up and when they get bigger, their fear will turn into contempt. It's not a question of 'if', it's just a question of 'when'. 

4) Parenting with fear = lazy parenting! 

It takes more brain power as a parent to nurture your children if you discard fear and physical punishment from your toolbox. Of course it's just so much easier in the heat of the moment to shout and intimidate or worse - but easier is often not better and in all walks of life, the lazy approach never leads to success.  

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more in their lives by developing their influence, resilience and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

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Non-resident parenting at its best: Tip 3 - Avoid competitive parenting

When I separated from my ex-wife, I vowed never to take part in 'post-split competitive parenting' (ie looking for opportunities to outdo the other parent by 'over-treating' your kids during contact time)

• At worst, it eventually screws up your kids. At best, they become spoilt, playing one parent off against the other.

• In the long term, non-resident parents will lose if they try to compete against the resident parent so why start a battle which you're destined to lose? 

• Kids prefer quality time over gifts and treats (quality time means putting yourself in their shoes and being focussed on them, including helping them with homework, teaching them how to wash up and enjoying the mundane things in life)

If you want your children to be happy and grow up into secure young adults and if you want to get the best out of the precious moments of time your fortnightly contact allows:

1) Focus on being a consistent, firm and positive parent who is 'present' in body and mind with their children.

2) Forget about getting one over on your ex ... even if you get revenge somehow, it's never that sweet anyway!

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their influence, resilience and productivity: 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
Check out my website - www.impactlife.co.uk

Non-resident parenting at its best: Tip 2 - Common sense dating

John has two young daughters from a previous marriage and thankfully he has regular contact with them. But he has a problem. His new partner doesn't like children ... and not just his children ... I mean any children! (this is a true story by the way with names changed for obvious reasons)

Whatever John's feelings for his partner, because of his family situation, the relationship is untenable and at best, it will be permanently fraught with difficulties, crashing agendas and plenty of heartache all round. The last time I heard from him, his partner was moving in with him and she was still complaining bitterly over the frequency with which he sees his kids. Even when his daughters grow up, what about any children they have?

So a word of advice for non-resident parents who are ready to date:

1) If your prospective partner doesn't like kids, it's a bad start, in fact, it's so bad that it's a DEAL BREAKER. Move on and find someone who does like children because you're a parent ...  which means you're not technically 'single' until your kids have grown up because they're an intrinsic part of the YOU package you offer.

2) If it's the reverse scenario and your partner is fine with children and likes your offspring, but your children don't like her/him, well that's not such bad news. Give it time ... it takes children a while to get used to someone new and sometimes the dislike is provoked by a bitter ex partner who is not ready for you to move on. 

3) Get a firm contact order in place before you become 'open' about your new relationship. 

Non-resident parents usually have more time and freedom to explore new relationships than the resident parent and in many cases, a new relationship heals some of the pain caused by no longer living with your children on a day-to-day basis. But without a firm contact order in place, new partners can spell trouble ... big trouble, for you and your contact with your children. 

However bad things were to cause the split with your ex partner (who is now the resident parent), things will get much worse as she/he struggles to adjust to a new parental figure around the children as well as a new person in your life. In some cases she/he will reduce or obstruct your contact in order to punish you ... it may sound negative but it happens ... alot. 

Get a firm contact order before you hit the dating scene - any new partner who genuinely cares about you will be patient and discreet whilst you sort out your contact order. 

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their influence, resilience and productivity.   

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
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Non-resident parenting at its best: Tip 1 - Make peace with unfair

I used to be a non-resident dad and spent years wrestling with the unfairness of my situation. 

The problem for non-resident parents in the UK is that the legal system greatly favours the resident parent, something which renders the non-resident parent utterly powerless and reliant on the good will of the resident parent, particularly if the children are young.  

Unfortunately, there are resident parents who use their children as a weapon to attack their ex-partners (the non-resident parent) by blocking contact in some cases, or constantly changing plans and creating a contact situation which is governed by the resident parent's whims and needs, rather than the needs of the children or what is reasonable.

In response to the unfairness it can be tempting to become bitter:

About your ex partner (the resident parent), something which negatively affects your emotions and long term physical health whilst also preventing you from thinking clearly when negotiating on key contact issues such as Christmas, frequency of contact or any contact at all. You'll also be tempted into 'ex partner slating' when you are with your kids and this only harms them, and their relationship with you.

About the system so you'll waste time, energy and possibly money, fighting a battle which you're destined to lose. 

About life which spoils your chances of moving on and being happy.

Thankfully there is a better way which worked wonders for me and my children when I was non-resident parent.

I focused on changing what I could actually change, whilst accepting the things I couldn't change and making peace with unfair. 

Life has always been unfair and will always be unfair. For some people it's economic unfairness or health related unfairness ... for non-resident parents it's relationship unfairness.

Make peace with it ... it's tough, but you have no choice so accept it as part of your life at the moment and when you make peace with unfair, you stop torturing yourself about the injustic you face. You also free your mind and energy to seek personal happiness whilst focusing on being the best parent you can be when you're with your children.

If, after everything, you still crave revenge ... be happy and make the most of your life - it's the best revenge you could take.  

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their resilience, influence and productivity: 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
Check out my website - www.impactlife.co.uk