Monday 15 December 2014

Leadership/Parenting Tip: Getting the best out of those we lead


Most of us are guilty of it at some point or another ...

"I've told you not to put it there a thousand times."

"How many times have I said not to eat on the sofa?

"I told you again and again that you'd struggle to pass your exams if you didn't revise."

We badly want our children/team members to succeed and on the surface, we understand that the more patient our approach when things go wrong, the better our level of rapport with those we lead, but:

Surely there are times when 'saying it how it is' is not only acceptable, but advisable? I'm afraid not! 

Whether we like it or not, people largely behave according to the identity they hold for themselves and that identity is greatly influenced by who they perceive as their leaders. If you encourage your children/team members to believe that they always forget what you say and/or they never listen to you, they're more likely to live up to that behaviour rather than avoid it, regardless of the punishments waiting for them. But if you encourage them to believe that they're better than the behaviour they exhibit and that you're actually surprised by it (whether it's truly what you believe or not), you subtly influence their subconciousness to want to achieve better and to also believe that it's possible.  

"I've told you not to put it there a thousand times."
"I'm surprised you've put it there because I've mentioned it a few times now and you're a good listener."

"How many times have I said not to eat on the sofa?"
"Considering that you're so switched on as a person, I'm both annoyed and surprised that you're eating on the sofa when I've asked you not to."

"I told you again and again that you'd struggle to pass your exams if you didn't revise."

"At the moment, I'm gutted for you that you didn't pass. I know you're better than the mark you achieved and I've no doubt that you'd have secured a much better mark had you revised more than you did."


Final Thought: 

If you pride yourself on being a straight-talking leader, think before you talk and ask yourself:

1) Is my straight-talking linked to my need for an ego boost?

2) How do others feel when I 'say it how it is'?

3)  Is my straight-talking the wisest psychological response to this issue? Or a knee-jerk reaction born out of my annoyance?

Available now on iTunes & Amazon: The Impact Code - Unlocking Resilience, Productivity & Influence http://goo.gl/MFq3oE


Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
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Saturday 13 December 2014

What's The Impact Code about?


The Impact Code is not a book about goal-setting, being passionate and living the dream. You can already find lots of those.
The Impact Code isn't a long and wordy book, which takes you a month to read but six months later you can only remember one or two of its key points. You can find lots of those too.
The Impact Code is a book which gives 24 memorable insights to develop your resilience, productivity and influence, so you're equipped to make a lasting impact on the world around you. Whether you're a business leader, a team manager, an entrepreneur, a parent, an aspiring professional or young person, your ability to make an impact will define how successful you become and how happy you feel. Imagine how your life would be if you could:
  • Attract more people to follow you - out of choice not obligation
  • Bounce back quickly from your disappointments & set-backs
  • Overcome your fears and live beyond your current horizons
  • Achieve more without adding to your overstretched 'to-do' list
Choose to make an awesome impact in your world or don't - it's up to you!
Grab your digital or paperback version via Amazon at: http://goo.gl/619iE4
Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk
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Cracking The Impact Code - It's easier than you think


Some people do it on their deathbeds, others as they see in the New Year or relax on holiday but all of us do it at some point. We ask ourselves:

Is my life a success?

Am I happy with how things have turned out?

Am I doing well in spite of the challenges I face?

Our answers will depend on one vital piece of information: the extent of our impact on the people and experiences of our lives.

We can't all be the next Steve Jobs but we all want to make our mark and leave a legacy that's valued by our loved ones, work place and community, and our need to make an impact runs deep. When you believe you contributed to the development of someone or something (however small or big), you feel inspired and alive. But when you feel your impact is lacking, the road to self-doubt can be surprisingly quick, even for positive people, and before we know it, we can see ourselves as ineffective victims living in an unfair world.

'The Impact Code - Unlocking Resilience, Productivity and Influence' gives 24 powerful insights to develop your resilience, productivity and influence, so you're equipped to make your mark. Each one is written in a style, which is easy to access and apply so whether it's New Year's Eve, a summer holiday or just another day, choose to make an awesome impact in your world and grab your copy of The Impact Code.

Available now on on iTunes and Amazon in digital & paperback: http://goo.gl/619iE4


Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk
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Wednesday 30 April 2014

How to create maximum influence - 2 tips


We've all been there and we've all done it:

"Don't eat too many sweets, they're bad for your teeth"

"Don't step in the road, you could get hurt." 

"Don't play on the fence, it might break."

"Don't send it like that, she's our best customer."

Whether it's business or home, most of us at some stage in our lives will fulfill roles, which require our positive influence. It might be eating too much sugar, walking in the road, playing on a flimsy fence or sending a sub-standard piece of work to our best customer, but regardless of the scenario, we want the other person to obey our command in the here-and-now and also to remember for next time.

But more often than not, the more we repeat the same old negative commands, the less effective we become because the person on the receiving end sees us as an old nag. When this happens, delivering any sense of meaningful influence becomes a major struggle.

If you want other people to respect your authority, whether you're leading a team at work, or leading your family unit, I suggest you ditch the word "don't" from your vocabulary. It doesn't matter how many times you issue a command, if it begins with the word "don't", the brain of the person on the receiving end will fixate on what follows this word rather than not doing the thing you want them to avoid.

Example:

Imagine it's a hot day and you've had nothing to drink for a few hours. The sweat's pouring down your brow and I say, "don't think about a cold, lemonade ice lolly, the sharp, sweetness of the lemons, the ice cold lolly in your mouth, just don't think about it". Of course, your brain will think about the lolly and will conveniently bypass the word "don't". It's the same for adults and for children and happens regardless of the situation.


Tip 1) Issue positive commands and be specific about what you want to happen. Practise your new style of command so it becomes a habit. I can personally vouch for the fact that getting rid of "don't" can take some getting used to:

"Don't eat too many sweets, they're bad for your teeth
"You need to eat less sweets in order to take care of your teeth."

"Don't step in the road, you could get hurt"
"Walk on the pavement because it's safer."

"Don't play on the fence, it might break"
"Get off the fence and leave it alone, it's flimsy and might break."

"Don't send it like that, she's our best customer"
"This document needs more work on it, it looks messy and I've already spotted a few typos in the text."


Tip 2) Coach rather than command, particularly in situations where there's no immediate danger. Ask questions which encourages the other person to think about the situation so that they engage and come up with their own answers.

Whilst it may feel easier to issue commands, easy is not necessary effective and people on the end of constant commands become passive spectators and immune to your authority. They may appear to listen to you but their minds will usually be elsewhere and they'll forget what you said ... that's if they ever heard you in the first place!

"How is eating too many sweets a problem for you?"

"Why is the pavement a better place to walk than the road?"

"What could happen if you keep playing on the fence?"

"If you send the document like this, what do you think our client will think?"

Now available on iTunes and Amazon: The Impact Code - Unlocking Resilience, Productivity & Influence  
http://goo.gl/bSd6M6

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk
Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain
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Thursday 27 March 2014

Be more productive at home ... without doing more! (3 great tips)


Do you ever wish there were more hours in the day?
Do you write 'to-do' lists, which you rarely complete? 

If you're anything like me, you'll have answered yes to both these questions!

After a bruising day at work, whether it's toiling on a building site, battling office politics or dealing with troublesome customers, the simple task of getting home and putting a meal on the table before clearing it up can feel like a major achievement, but:

What about the peeling paint in the bathroom? You said you'd get it done last week!


Did you remember you need to pick Katie up from her friend's house tonight?


You'll need to get some fresh milk for breakfast tomorrow! 

It's easy to become overwhelmed by the demands of every-day life before losing sight of what we really want to achieve. It's easy to put things off which we know we should do, whilst pouring our energies into dealing with smaller and less significant things. But amidst the chaos and conflicting priorities, is it possible to be more productive at home without actually becoming any busier than we already are?

I suggest 3 tips to help:

1) Take action on the truly important things:

Of course, I want to live in a neat and tidy house, perfectly decorated, with stunning features and accompanied by a lush garden, which oozes class. Of course I want to make stacks of money whilst working minimal hours so I can spend my best time with my wife, children and on my hobbies ... who wouldn't want that? But that's not real life for most people and when we try to achieve it, we generally  cause untold stress on ourselves and on those around us.

If you want to be more productive at home, identify the things which are truly important to you, the things which if you were not able to achieve, your entire being would be damaged. Normally, what comes at the top of most people's wish-lists are high quality relationships with our loved ones rather than a lush garden or a tidy house.

Once you've identified the important things, take action to make them happen. The less important things can wait and if you ever get round to achieving them, it's a bonus and if you don't achieve them, it's not a big deal.

2) Lower your standards on trivial things

This is obviously linked to the first tip. Time is both infinite and constant and it's impossible to make more time. Therefore, if you want to be more productive at home with the important things, you may have to lower your standards on the trivial things.

For example, whilst my kitchen is spotless and like something out of an ideal show-home, the rest of my house is generally a bit dusty, I only iron what is absolutely crucial and whilst our meals are home-cooked, we try to keep them simple during the week ... just a few small sacrifices we make because our top priority is spending quality time together.

"Take pleasure in what you do achieve rather than beating yourself up about what you don't achieve." 

So many of us fall into the trap of looking at our neighbours and thinking they have it easier than we do, that they're doing a better job at juggling work and home life or have the garden we'd love, or the car we wish we could afford.  The funny thing is, quite often, they're looking at us wishing that they had something that we take for granted.

Delight in the things you do achieve, and make peace with the things you don't achieve ... remember … there's something ironic about the fact that the things you don't achieve, are not achieved only because you put your energies into the good things which you have achieved!

3) Kill two birds with one stone wherever possible

I massively value my time with my children and wife. That said, there are jobs which still need doing around the house and which could eat into that quality time. Talking of eating, we value eating home-cooked food, we value eating around a table together and as I already mentioned, we value eating in our spotless kitchen. So in order to achieve quality time and a spotless kitchen, the kids help us to keep it looking good.

After a meal, they get to choose what chores they do out of the dishwasher, clearing the table, wiping the table, sweeping the floor, putting away and whatever else needs doing ... and they also get to choose which radio station we have on in the background. We then clear up together. Family time becomes chore time, which becomes family time, it's all the same thing.

When you have many things, which you want to achieve, consider how you can 'kill two birds with one stone', take aim and throw that one stone!

"disarmingly humble", "immensely readable", "full of practical tips", "clear and insightful"

Available now on iTunes & Amazon: The Impact Code - Unlocking Resilience, Productivity & Influence http://goo.gl/zSdtqS


Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
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Wednesday 26 March 2014

How to discipline your children & build rapport at the same time


The look on her face said it all ... she knew she'd screwed up. 

Seeing us covered in muddy water (mixed with goose poo) and knowing that she was the culprit must have been a heart stopping moment for her.
My youngest daughter is 9 years' old and she's a bundle of energy. Unfortunately her enthusiasm means she often rushes into things without thinking and on a family walk in the park, she playfully kicked a large puddle. My wife definitely came off worse as she even got a taste of the goose poo which was floating in  the muddy puddle but we were both pretty soaked.
 So how do you manage your state in such a situation? 

Is this one of those exceptional occasions where unleashing your rage is excusable?
How do you effectively discipline your child so it doesn't happen again?
 Can this small, every-day calamity be used to good effect?

 This is how we handled it and why ...
  • I informed my daughter that whilst I believed it was an accident, having created a mess, she was now responsible for sorting it out.
  • I asked her what she could do to clear up the mess. She struggled to think of anything but was genuinely apologetic.
  • I thanked her for her sincere apology and calmly suggested that in order to clear up the mess, she would have to doing the washing when we got home, something which unfortunately for her, would also include the contents of her baby brother's nappy bin (containing dirty washable nappies). She would then be responsible for hanging everything out. The inclusion of her brother's nappies didn't  go down well but she accepted it (somewhat begrudgingly) and when we got home, she did the wash and hung it all out (with a bit of guidance from me). 

So what's my point?
Several key things were achieved through this peaceful approach, which couldn't have been achieved had my wife and I started yelling when we got covered in the muddy slop.
 A) We avoided resorting to anger / fear as a means of disciplining our daughter because we managed our state. Whilst anger is a natural human emotion, uncontrolled anger creates fear, which kills imaginative thinking on the part of the child (and the adult for that matter).  Furthermore, fear is only an effective tool for discipline in the short term because in the long term, fear always turns to contempt and it's not a question of if, it's just a question of when!
B) We set a positive example for her to copy for when she's on the receiving end of someone else screwing-up.
C) We encouraged her to think for herself by asking her to consider how she could sort the mess out.  In this incident, she struggled to think of anything at the time, but if we deliver this approach repeatedly, it will help her to develop her ability to think when she's under pressure.
D) The consequence she faced was linked to her mistake. There was a clear connection between causing a mess and washing the clothes. Therefore, in spite of her reluctance to also handle her brother's dirty nappies, she recognised that our imposed consequence was fair. If your child sees you as fair rather than arbitrary, he/she will grow in respect for you.
 E) The consequence required her to take action in order to put things right, a far more effective method of teaching her a lasting lesson than delivering a lecture which she passively listens to, or grounding her so there is no specific action for her to complete.
 F) She learned how to do a wash, something which could be useful for us as we juggle the demands of a growing family and something which led her to observe just how much work it takes to sort out a wash.
The moral of the story?
Recently, my daughter suddenly said she thought we were brilliant parents and when I asked why, she emphasised two things ... fairness and no shouting!

When your kids screw up, there's usually a golden opportunity for building mutual respect and rapport ... so long as you:
1) Manage your state when things go wrong
2) Deliver a parenting model, which delivers the long-term outcomes you want for you and your children.
Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk
Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain
Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK
Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
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Wednesday 19 March 2014

3 steps to manage conflict with your children


I almost hit her and it would have been the stupidest thing I could have done.

Following an acrimonious divorce with my now ex-wife, my daughters (aged 7 and 4) lived with their mum. I was deeply fearful at the time that my ex would block my contact with them or that they might choose to stop coming to see me, but each fortnight, I made the trip from Birmingham to Somerset, picking them up from school on Friday at 3:15, taking them to my house in Birmingham for the weekend, before returning them to Somerset on Sunday. 

Unfortunately, the 6-hour round trip and the pressure of wanting to create the perfect weekend for my daughters took its toll and when we arrived in Birmingham on Friday evening, my daughters would get grumpy with each other, they’d then get stroppy with me as I waded into their argument and before we knew it, we’d all be shouting at each other. As much as I loved seeing them, I dreaded those Friday nights.
One week, things got so bad, that I almost hit my eldest daughter for what would have been the first time in her life. Thankfully as I went to strike her, something stopped me. This was utter madness and I was being a fool! There simply had to be a better way of handling this situation and if I'd hit her, not only would I have deliberately hurt one of the most precious people in my life, I would also have given my ex-wife the perfect excuse for blocking my contact.

So I took a deep breath, I walked away from the situation, I poured myself a glass of wine had a think and took three vital steps:

1) I identified my desired outcome: The Friday night tension could ultimately contribute to an outcome, which I desperately wanted to avoid, that my daughters would report back negatively to my ex-wife who would no doubt use their complaints to block contact, or that they’d choose to stop coming. At best it started the weekends on a sour note and broke down my rapport with my daughters. My desired outcome was to reduce the Friday night tension peacefully, decisively and intelligently, so that everyone (including me) got a better deal.

2) I took measures to manage my state: As a single man, I was going to bed too late, so by the time of the weekends with my daughters, I was seriously tired. I therefore resolved to go to bed earlier in the nights leading up to those weekends so I felt fresher. I also decided to leave Birmingham earlier on Fridays so when I arrived in Somerset, I would still had time to grab a coffee, do some work on my laptop and have a short walk before picking up the girls from school. This would break-up the 6-hour round-trip for me and help relieve my fatigue. 
I also vowed that whatever kicked off on Friday between my daughters, I would stay calm and let certain things go if necessary. Discipline could be tighter on Saturday and Sunday, but NOT on Friday evenings.
3) I took measures to manage my daughter's state: I put myself in my daughter’s shoes and considered the likely challenges they were struggling with on Friday nights. I concluded that they were probably tired after a week at school, a bit disorientated by the change in their domestic routine, bored after spending three hours in the car and hungry by the time we arrived in Birmingham at 7pm. As a result, I took some simple steps to manage their state:
- I bought a DVD player + mini flat screens so they could watch a movie on the motorway. I also subscribed to love film so there was new stuff to watch for each journey.
- I ensured there was a lunch box for each of them so they had their supper in the car whilst watching their movie, rather than waiting till 7pm when we arrived at my house.
- I found a decent pub half-way between Birmingham and Somerset and we always stopped there for a 5 minute loo break and a packet of crisps so that the journey was broken up for my daughters.
A funny thing then happened … our Friday night blues turned into Friday night bliss.
The shouting ceased and the tension subsided. I didn’t use any clever disciplinary techniques, or bribery. I didn’t become a door-mat, giving in to whatever my daughters wanted, nor did I employ any rocket science, any aggressive parenting or super-dad/super nanny ideas to create this mini revolution. 

I simply identified my desired outcome and took basic steps to manage their state and mine.



Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946
Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk
Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain
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Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
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