4 tips to teach children how to deal with FEAR

When it comes to wine, champagne and pate, the French are pretty much ahead of us Brits … but there’s another area where they definitely have the edge.

Across Britain, there’s been a surge in the number of rope swing/assault courses, which are set in the trees and under the banner of GO APE. They make for a great family day out and even for light-hearted people, they’re fairly tame affairs. But take yourself across the channel to one of the French versions and you enter a different world. The complexity of their courses, the difficulty of the obstacles and the sheer height factor, it’s enough to give the wobbles to the bravest of souls.

And so it was, on a family holiday in the South of France last year, that along with my eldest daughter aged 10, I found myself clinging to a tree for dear life, 15 meters up, streaming with sweat and wondering why I’d paid good money to put us through such a trial. Unfortunately for my daughter's two friends (also aged 10), they were also up there with us, hanging on and also wishing they were back on solid ground.

Now there are a lot of similarities between my daughter and her friends. They’re sporty, fit, happy and outgoing, they receive strong parenting and are encouraged greatly in the various aspects of their lives, but on that day, there was one crucial difference between them which meant that my daughter completed the course whilst her friends had to be helped down by the staff and went home disappointed that they’d not been able to complete it.

Due to some of the unique challenges, which my daughter has faced, she’s been deliberately coached to handle herself in times of extreme stress and has developed well-rehearsed strategies to control her mind.

On several occasions during the course, my daughter could be heard repeating to herself

"I’m harnessed so I can’t fall. This might be scary, but I can do this."

"Come on, you can do this. It’s just the height that makes this scary and I'm harnassed so I can't fall."

On several occasions, I heard her friends say:

"I’m going to fall, I’m going to fall."

"I can’t do this, I’m stuck."

Unsurprisingly, for my daughter and her friends, their self-talk dictated the outcome (as it does in so many situations in our lives). Up in the trees and fighting the fear, my daughter demonstrated her ability to MANAGE HER STATE, something, which is critical for success whether that’s in sport, relationships or business.

- She focused on her permanent strengths (“Come on, you can do this.")

        

- She avoided paralysis through fear by considering the situation from a variety of angles (“It’s just the height that makes this scary. I can’t fall because I’m harnessed.”)

So a key question remains for parents … how do you teach children to manage their state?

Tip 1 - Be a model:

Children replicate their parent’s characteristics. Whatever you want your child to be and whatever you want them NOT to be, examine your own behaviour to check it sets the right example.

Subtle hint - YOU CANNOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO MANAGE THEIR STATE IF YOU'RE UNABLE TO MANAGE YOURS! 

 Tip 2 - Zero tolerance to “can’t” (for you and your children):

Family life is tiring, whether it’s housework, finances, school runs, temper tantrums … it never stops and often it’s overwhelming. Amidst the chaos and fatigue, it’s easy to allow bits of negativity to go unchallenged, but once it does, it’s a slippery slope.

Whether your child is complaining about housework, school-work, or they’re trying a new food, or struggling with a subject they don’t like or an activity you’ve planned … you must be 100% committed to weeding out the word “can’t” from their vocabulary (and yours). The word “can’t“, leads children to avoid the things which they could conquer in time, and it paralyses them when the pressure is on.

Tip 3 – Coaching approach to parenting

The more you command and the less you coach, the less your children will think for themselves and the less they’ll be able to think their way out of difficult situations. Therefore, if you want your children to be successful, you have to encourage them to think for themselves and adopt a coaching parenting approach instead of a commanding approach:

For example, swop:

"Get off the fence because you’ll break it." (command)

With:

"What will happen if you keep playing on the fence?" (coaching)

Allow your children to find the answers for themselves, guiding them to the answers if necessary.

Tip 4 – Strength finding

Invest time with your children to help them discover, and remember their unique strengths. Their awareness of the things which make them special and valued, will be vital to keeping them positive and logical when they’re feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

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My top 6 mantras (and why!)

When we're frustrated, fearful or overwhelmed, there's a real value in connecting with positive mantras, which comfort us, provide perspective and help us feel more peaceful. My top 6 mantras include five which I've made up for my own use and for my daughters, and one which I've shamelessly stolen from someone else but it still works well for me.

1) Focus on the things you can actually change whilst making peace with the things you can't change.

So this is clearly the stolen mantra!

There can be a point in fighting battles as the under-dog, particularly if the battle is important to you. But at the same time, it's wise to check whether making peace with someone/something is more intelligent and productive because the outcome could be beyond your control or influence. Furthermore, for the worriers out there (and I know how you feel because I used to be a chronic worrier), it's helpful to categorise your worries into 'worries you can influence', and 'worries you can't influence'. The second step is then to choose NOT to dwell on the things you can't influence whilst taking action to deal with the worries you can influence.

2) Ignore 'unfair' ... find the gems.

I made this up for my young daughter when she endured some particularly difficult circumstances in her life. We agreed together that life is brutally unfair, that it always has been and always will be, but within the darkness of 'unfair', there are sparkly gems which comfort us. Amazingly, the more you look for the sparkly gems, the more they sparkle and the more they light up the darkness, but the more you focus on the darkness, the less they sparkle until they completely disappear and you're left in total darkness. If you want to be happy, ignore 'unfair' ... find the gems.

3) Never ever give up 
A) Change course when it's wise to do so. 
B) Always move forward and avoid going round in circles. 
C) Only look back in order to learn and celebrate but make sure you then turn around and look forward again.   

I used to be a firm believer in 'never ever give up', until my tenacity caused me all kinds of problems by keeping me hanging onto completely lost causes, both in relationships and business. As any entrepreneur will tell you, persistence is a key component of becoming successful, but it's equally important to balance persistence with wisdom. So my above mantra (which I guess is inspired from the world of orienteering), comes in three parts and helps me to be both persistent and WISE.

4) The majority of our problems are minor and temporary inconveniences.

There's always someone worse off than we are, whether we're looking at our finances, business, relationships or health.

Most of us are incredibly blessed in our lives buy yet many of us choose to become incredibly stressed by the small things like being stuck in traffic, or not getting our own way at work, or when we're overwhelmed by our 'chores' … and then there's the bedroom our kids simply won't tidy, or the person who queue jumped us at the supermarket!

THE MAJORITY OF OUR PROBLEMS ARE MINOR AND TEMPORARY INCONVENIENCES.

Reminding myself of this helps me to chill out when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or being cut-up by someone else's poor driving skills … it also helps if I have Classic FM on the radio!

5) The only important question is … 'how do I do it better next time'? 

My daughter recently came home from school, upset because she got a low mark on an essay she'd just completed. Thankfully, she knows me well enough to know that a) she wouldn't be in trouble with me, b) I wouldn't be interested in hearing about whether or not it was a fair mark or why her friend who wrote a shorter essay, got a better mark, c) My only interest would be to examine what specifically went wrong so she can do it better next time.

Whether you're second in a race, or you screw-up a business pitch, or struggle to achieve what you set out to achieve, there's no point in getting bogged down in who's fault it is, or self-pity and/or guilt, or whether it's fair or not … the only key question is 'how do I do it better next time'?

By focusing on this question, you free yourself from potential bitterness which ruins logical thinking and performance, and instead, you channel your thinking into a world of positive, self-improvement.

6) Wise generals pick their battles and live long lives, brave warriors fight all their battles and die young.

Too many people fight all the battles they face, which means they:

A) Get caught up in trivial fights, which drain their energy for the more important battles.
B) Fight battles which are not theirs to fight.
C) Don't take time to reflect on their strategy and how to improve it.
D) Lose track of the importance of timing and it's impact on a successful outcome.
E) Never choose to rest ... so they burn-out.

I'd rather be a wise general, considering and picking my battles, weighing up whether or not it's a trivial fight which should be avoided, or whether or not I have a fighting chance of winning, or whether or not it's morally right to fight, whether there's a more peaceful way to influence the outcome, and deliberately choosing to walk away from some battles whilst fighting others.

So those are my top 6 mantras - I'd love to hear what your top mantras are!

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

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How to create resilient children, using a 5-step process

My eldest daughter (aged 11 at the time), was brimming with confidence that she’d get a main part in the school play. Given her acting skills and the fact that she goes to a private drama academy, she was sure she’d sail through her auditions. Unfortunately, she didn’t secure a main part, or even a small part and was put in the chorus group!

She was devastated and when she came home that day, it was clear that her learned resilience strategies had gone out the window and she was stuck in doom and gloom.

"I’m rubbish at drama … I can’t believe I didn’t even get one line … it’s not fair … Why do I even bother going to drama academy?"

If you want to your child to become resilient, you can teach them a simple 5-step process to help them overcome their disappointments.

Step 1: Negative feelings expressed, using temporary language

When your children face defeat, encourage them to use temporary words like "today", "at the moment" and "right now" when they express their negative feelings.

This helps them to perceive their problems as temporary and if they believe them to be temporary, it feels less overwhelming (this is true whether you’re an adult or a child). As a result they’re more likely to take a positive view of their world, in spite of the problems they face.

Example (of my daughter's drama disappointment) - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted." 

Step 2: Re-enforce their belief that they’re permanently brilliant people who faced a temporary set-back

Help them to deliberately emphasise their permanent qualities and indicate that on a different day, it could have been a different result.

Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama."

Step 3: Identify the external things which impacted the event and which were beyond their control 

Some people struggle with this step because they see it as making excuses and passing off the blame but I call it identifying external factors and it adds to the learning experience.

In the example of my daughter’s audition, when we reflected on the external circumstances of the day, we remembered that she almost stayed at home because she was feeling unwell. In the end it was a 50/50 decision and because we were short on child-care options, she went to school, but she was definitely not herself.

Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions."

Step 4: Examine the specifics of what went wrong and use them to create a/some learning points

Finding external factors does not have to be another word for making excuses … so long as you also identify specific learning points to help you improve your performance for next time. In this example, my daughter recognised that because she was feeling unwell, she might not have put as much energy and focus into the audition.

Therefore, even though she has a natural flair for drama and should have had the upper hand as a result of her involvement with the drama academy, she needs to ensure that whenever it’s time to perform, whether it’s drama auditions or something else, she has to give 100%. Anything less and she may not achieve what she wants. When she worked through this learning point, she vowed that next time, she’d be ready … well or unwell!

Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions. I need to ensure that in future, when I perform, I’m fully focused and give 100%."

Step 5: Find something to be grateful for

Highlighting a specific learning point from a set-back is in itself something to be grateful for, but working to identify other things for which you can be thankful is a powerful exercise. On this occasion, she felt grateful that in two weeks time, she’d be running the 400M on her school sports day in the gifted and talented section so she had another chance to shine.

Example: "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions. I need to ensure that in future, when I perform, I am fully focused and give 100%. At least I have another chance to make an impact in two weeks time on sports day and I’ll ensure I’m completely prepared."

Using this simple formula, she quickly felt at peace about her disappointment and accepted it. She performed her chorus part with enthusiasm and was gracious about the other children who were given the main roles she so badly wanted … and when it came to her 400M on sports day two weeks later, she nailed it and won the race with a gutsy and tactically brilliant run.

(This 5-step process is inspired by Mark Sheasby, a professional Sports Mind Coach and good friend - for more information on how to adapt the techniques he uses with professional athletes to use with children, watch this space!)

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

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Kwik Fit or Nit Wit? Blundering mechanic misses his chance

On a recent trip to Kwik Fit, the mechanic handling the bookings was all sweetness and smiles to me even though I was uninterested in the various offers he described. I do have a rule that I treat the people I buy from, as if they were my best clients, and that includes my business suppliers as well as the people who serve me at Aldi or wherever, thus I was equally charming in return.

Unfortunately for the mechanic, his next customer was not so polite. He was deeply skeptical of the deals being discussed, he was abrupt and bordered on rude. Sadly, the mechanic responded by changing his demeanour, becoming defensive and he peppered the customer with closed questions in order to corner him, presumably so he would realise the error of his ways.

The result? 

One annoyed customer who was not in the slightest bit interested in what they were offering and who muttered angrily to himself whilst they fixed his tyre. I doubt he'll be back.

So what?

The mechanic failed to manage his stated and missed the signals. People with a skeptical buying personality are difficult to deal with at first but handled with care, they can become some of your most loyal customers. Therefore, in any customer facing role, whether you are a natural networker, or a reluctant technician, it's crucial to understand the various buying behaviours and how to handle them so you get the best from each interaction with the people you serve.

So if anyone knows the Learning and Development Manager at Kwik Fit, I'd love an introduction because I know of at least one member of staff who I could assist!

Thanks for reading - I help businesses become more profitable by developing their people:

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
Check out my website - www.impactlife.co.uk

Creating influence using 1 key question

How do you engage a group of repeat, youth offenders, so they enthusiastically participate in an anger management session, which they haven't chosen to attend and which they most definitely resent?

• Help them to answer a key question for themselves ... a question which determines whether they cooperate or not ... WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

As humans, we simply can't help it! If we're going to allow ourselves to be influenced by someone or something, we need to know how our life will be better once we've been influenced and even the most selfless people are never completely out of touch with their self interest.

Without the knowledge of 'what's in it for me?', we'll either choose not to cooperate, or in the very best case scenario, we may possibly explore things, but with our guard up (even if we like and trust the influencer). It may sound obvious and certainly most decent salespeople work hard to ensure that their buyers knows how their lives will be better if they make the purchase. But outside of sales, it's a thought which is often neglected when it's most needed.

Imagine:

- A dad hoping to encourage better behaviour from his child.

- A team leader trying to provoke a cultural change within the team

- A Managing Director trying to convince his/her board members of a new idea to exploit?

Real influence happens when the other person understands what's in it for them and it's up to the influencer to ask questions or communicate a vision, which creates this understanding. There are of course times when, whichever way you look at it, there really is nothing in it for the other person/people, but more often than not, it takes just a bit of creativity to re-frame the intended change so it's more attractive.

Example:

The repeat offenders who experienced my anger management session quickly developed their desire to learn more about anger management because I deliberately referred to it as something else.

Through a number of simple exercises and compelling stories at the very beginning of the session, they understood that if they learn how to influence people without resorting to anger/bullying tactics, they're more likely to:

• Get their own way more often in the things that matter to them

• Enjoy more success at work and in their relationships 

• Experience more happiness in their lives

The words anger management were not mentioned at any point during the session. My approach answered their burning question (what's in it for me?) and established the session on a positive footing. As a result, their enthusiasm was infectious and the session went like a dream.

Influencing Tip:

If you hope to influence other people on a particular issue (adults or children), help them to first answer a key question ... What's in it for me?   

Available now on iTunes & Amazon: The Impact Code - Unlocking Resilience, Productivity & Influence http://goo.gl/GLmB2R

Thanks for reading

I help businesses become more profitable by developing their people:

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
Check out my website - www.impactlife.co.uk

Influencing Tip: Using 2 powerful words

There's two words which I love to use because when used at the right time, the other person is compelled to follow you wherever you want to take them ... just for a while at least!

When we hear the words, Imagine that/Imagine if ... for the briefest of moments, we drop our agendas,  lower our guard and give our full attention, even if the phrase that follows is absurd and even if we don't like the person who's speaking.

Example 1)

"Imagine that for the next two weeks, you had your own Michelin-starred chef to do all the cooking for you and your family including your breakfasts, lunch and supper as well as an assistant to do all the clearing up."

Whilst for most of us, this is a most unlikely scenario, our brains will still get to work imagining the convenience, the taste of the sumptuous food and the sheer decadence of such an idea.

Example 2)

"Imagine if your website produced so many leads for you that you no longer had to make cold calls."

For those of us who still labour with making cold calls, whether or not we trust our web designer to deliver something that good, we still can't help but be lured into imagining a life without cold calls as well as a new all singing and dancing website producing effortless leads.

Given the power of Imagine if/Imagine that, it's our job as business developers or as leaders to work out:

- How to deliver the phrase naturally and as part of a flowing conversation

- What we most need our customers to imagine in order for them to buy from us, or what our team members most need to imagine in order to follow our lead

- When to use the phrase so it delivers maximum impact

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their resilience, influence and productivity:

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
Check out my website - www.impactlife.co.uk