Leadership/Parenting Tip: Getting the best out of those we lead

Most of us are guilty of it at some point or another ...

"I've told you not to put it there a thousand times."

"How many times have I said not to eat on the sofa?

"I told you again and again that you'd struggle to pass your exams if you didn't revise."

We badly want our children/team members to succeed and on the surface, we understand that the more patient our approach when things go wrong, the better our level of rapport with those we lead, but:

Surely there are times when 'saying it how it is' is not only acceptable, but advisable? I'm afraid not! 

Whether we like it or not, people largely behave according to the identity they hold for themselves and that identity is greatly influenced by who they perceive as their leaders. If you encourage your children/team members to believe that they always forget what you say and/or they never listen to you, they're more likely to live up to that behaviour rather than avoid it, regardless of the punishments waiting for them. But if you encourage them to believe that they're better than the behaviour they exhibit and that you're actually surprised by it (whether it's truly what you believe or not), you subtly influence their subconciousness to want to achieve better and to also believe that it's possible.  

"I've told you not to put it there a thousand times."

"I'm surprised you've put it there because I've mentioned it a few times now and you're a good listener."

"How many times have I said not to eat on the sofa?"

"Considering that you're so switched on as a person, I'm both annoyed and surprised that you're eating on the sofa when I've asked you not to."

"I told you again and again that you'd struggle to pass your exams if you didn't revise."

"At the moment, I'm gutted for you that you didn't pass. I know you're better than the mark you achieved and I've no doubt that you'd have secured a much better mark had you revised more than you did."


Final Thought: 

If you pride yourself on being a straight-talking leader, think before you talk and ask yourself:

1) Is my straight-talking linked to my need for an ego boost?

2) How do others feel when I 'say it how it is'?

3)  Is my straight-talking the wisest psychological response to this issue? Or a knee-jerk reaction born out of my annoyance?

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Cracking The Impact Code - It's easier than you think

Some people do it on their deathbeds, others as they see in the New Year or relax on holiday but all of us do it at some point. We ask ourselves:

Is my life a success?

Am I happy with how things have turned out?

Am I doing well in spite of the challenges I face?

Our answers will depend on one vital piece of information: the extent of our impact on the people and experiences of our lives.

We can't all be the next Steve Jobs but we all want to make our mark and leave a legacy that's valued by our loved ones, work place and community, and our need to make an impact runs deep. When you believe you contributed to the development of someone or something (however small or big), you feel inspired and alive. But when you feel your impact is lacking, the road to self-doubt can be surprisingly quick, even for positive people, and before we know it, we can see ourselves as ineffective victims living in an unfair world.

'The Impact Code - Unlocking Resilience, Productivity and Influence' gives 24 powerful insights to develop your resilience, productivity and influence, so you're equipped to make your mark. Each one is written in a style, which is easy to access and apply so whether it's New Year's Eve, a summer holiday or just another day, choose to make an awesome impact in your world and grab your copy of The Impact Code.

Available now on on iTunes and Amazon in digital & paperback: http://goo.gl/619iE4

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3 steps to manage conflict with your children

I almost hit her and it would have been the stupidest thing I could have done.

Following an acrimonious divorce with my now ex-wife, my daughters (aged 7 and 4) lived with their mum. I was deeply fearful at the time that my ex would block my contact with them or that they might choose to stop coming to see me, but each fortnight, I made the trip from Birmingham to Somerset, picking them up from school on Friday at 3:15, taking them to my house in Birmingham for the weekend, before returning them to Somerset on Sunday. 

Unfortunately, the 6-hour round trip and the pressure of wanting to create the perfect weekend for my daughters took its toll and when we arrived in Birmingham on Friday evening, my daughters would get grumpy with each other, they’d then get stroppy with me as I waded into their argument and before we knew it, we’d all be shouting at each other. As much as I loved seeing them, I dreaded those Friday nights.

One week, things got so bad, that I almost hit my eldest daughter for what would have been the first time in her life. Thankfully as I went to strike her, something stopped me. This was utter madness and I was being a fool! There simply had to be a better way of handling this situation and if I'd hit her, not only would I have deliberately hurt one of the most precious people in my life, I would also have given my ex-wife the perfect excuse for blocking my contact.

So I took a deep breath, I walked away from the situation, I poured myself a glass of wine had a think and took three vital steps:

1) I identified my desired outcome: The Friday night tension could ultimately contribute to an outcome, which I desperately wanted to avoid, that my daughters would report back negatively to my ex-wife who would no doubt use their complaints to block contact, or that they’d choose to stop coming. At best it started the weekends on a sour note and broke down my rapport with my daughters. My desired outcome was to reduce the Friday night tension peacefully, decisively and intelligently, so that everyone (including me) got a better deal.

2) I took measures to manage my state: As a single man, I was going to bed too late, so by the time of the weekends with my daughters, I was seriously tired. I therefore resolved to go to bed earlier in the nights leading up to those weekends so I felt fresher. I also decided to leave Birmingham earlier on Fridays so when I arrived in Somerset, I would still had time to grab a coffee, do some work on my laptop and have a short walk before picking up the girls from school. This would break-up the 6-hour round-trip for me and help relieve my fatigue. 

I also vowed that whatever kicked off on Friday between my daughters, I would stay calm and let certain things go if necessary. Discipline could be tighter on Saturday and Sunday, but NOT on Friday evenings.

3) I took measures to manage my daughter's state: I put myself in my daughter’s shoes and considered the likely challenges they were struggling with on Friday nights. I concluded that they were probably tired after a week at school, a bit disorientated by the change in their domestic routine, bored after spending three hours in the car and hungry by the time we arrived in Birmingham at 7pm. As a result, I took some simple steps to manage their state:

- I bought a DVD player + mini flat screens so they could watch a movie on the motorway. I also subscribed to love film so there was new stuff to watch for each journey.

- I ensured there was a lunch box for each of them so they had their supper in the car whilst watching their movie, rather than waiting till 7pm when we arrived at my house.

- I found a decent pub half-way between Birmingham and Somerset and we always stopped there for a 5 minute loo break and a packet of crisps so that the journey was broken up for my daughters.

A funny thing then happened … our Friday night blues turned into Friday night bliss.

The shouting ceased and the tension subsided. I didn’t use any clever disciplinary techniques, or bribery. I didn’t become a door-mat, giving in to whatever my daughters wanted, nor did I employ any rocket science, any aggressive parenting or super-dad/super nanny ideas to create this mini revolution. 

I simply identified my desired outcome and took basic steps to manage their state and mine.

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

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My top 6 mantras (and why!)

When we're frustrated, fearful or overwhelmed, there's a real value in connecting with positive mantras, which comfort us, provide perspective and help us feel more peaceful. My top 6 mantras include five which I've made up for my own use and for my daughters, and one which I've shamelessly stolen from someone else but it still works well for me.

1) Focus on the things you can actually change whilst making peace with the things you can't change.

So this is clearly the stolen mantra!

There can be a point in fighting battles as the under-dog, particularly if the battle is important to you. But at the same time, it's wise to check whether making peace with someone/something is more intelligent and productive because the outcome could be beyond your control or influence. Furthermore, for the worriers out there (and I know how you feel because I used to be a chronic worrier), it's helpful to categorise your worries into 'worries you can influence', and 'worries you can't influence'. The second step is then to choose NOT to dwell on the things you can't influence whilst taking action to deal with the worries you can influence.

2) Ignore 'unfair' ... find the gems.

I made this up for my young daughter when she endured some particularly difficult circumstances in her life. We agreed together that life is brutally unfair, that it always has been and always will be, but within the darkness of 'unfair', there are sparkly gems which comfort us. Amazingly, the more you look for the sparkly gems, the more they sparkle and the more they light up the darkness, but the more you focus on the darkness, the less they sparkle until they completely disappear and you're left in total darkness. If you want to be happy, ignore 'unfair' ... find the gems.

3) Never ever give up 
A) Change course when it's wise to do so. 
B) Always move forward and avoid going round in circles. 
C) Only look back in order to learn and celebrate but make sure you then turn around and look forward again.   

I used to be a firm believer in 'never ever give up', until my tenacity caused me all kinds of problems by keeping me hanging onto completely lost causes, both in relationships and business. As any entrepreneur will tell you, persistence is a key component of becoming successful, but it's equally important to balance persistence with wisdom. So my above mantra (which I guess is inspired from the world of orienteering), comes in three parts and helps me to be both persistent and WISE.

4) The majority of our problems are minor and temporary inconveniences.

There's always someone worse off than we are, whether we're looking at our finances, business, relationships or health.

Most of us are incredibly blessed in our lives buy yet many of us choose to become incredibly stressed by the small things like being stuck in traffic, or not getting our own way at work, or when we're overwhelmed by our 'chores' … and then there's the bedroom our kids simply won't tidy, or the person who queue jumped us at the supermarket!

THE MAJORITY OF OUR PROBLEMS ARE MINOR AND TEMPORARY INCONVENIENCES.

Reminding myself of this helps me to chill out when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or being cut-up by someone else's poor driving skills … it also helps if I have Classic FM on the radio!

5) The only important question is … 'how do I do it better next time'? 

My daughter recently came home from school, upset because she got a low mark on an essay she'd just completed. Thankfully, she knows me well enough to know that a) she wouldn't be in trouble with me, b) I wouldn't be interested in hearing about whether or not it was a fair mark or why her friend who wrote a shorter essay, got a better mark, c) My only interest would be to examine what specifically went wrong so she can do it better next time.

Whether you're second in a race, or you screw-up a business pitch, or struggle to achieve what you set out to achieve, there's no point in getting bogged down in who's fault it is, or self-pity and/or guilt, or whether it's fair or not … the only key question is 'how do I do it better next time'?

By focusing on this question, you free yourself from potential bitterness which ruins logical thinking and performance, and instead, you channel your thinking into a world of positive, self-improvement.

6) Wise generals pick their battles and live long lives, brave warriors fight all their battles and die young.

Too many people fight all the battles they face, which means they:

A) Get caught up in trivial fights, which drain their energy for the more important battles.
B) Fight battles which are not theirs to fight.
C) Don't take time to reflect on their strategy and how to improve it.
D) Lose track of the importance of timing and it's impact on a successful outcome.
E) Never choose to rest ... so they burn-out.

I'd rather be a wise general, considering and picking my battles, weighing up whether or not it's a trivial fight which should be avoided, or whether or not I have a fighting chance of winning, or whether or not it's morally right to fight, whether there's a more peaceful way to influence the outcome, and deliberately choosing to walk away from some battles whilst fighting others.

So those are my top 6 mantras - I'd love to hear what your top mantras are!

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

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Non-resident parenting at it's best: Tip 4 - Farewell to Fear

When people use fear to influence others, it can work ... for a bit ... but eventually, fear turns into contempt and if someone holds you in contempt, you have no chance of exerting any meaningful influence over that person. Things generally work out badly for all bullies/tyrants in the end and it's not so dissimilar with parenting.

Whatever style of parenting you delivered prior to your separation, you must ensure that if you're a non-resident parent, you exercise a parenting style which does NOT include fear in its toolbox. This means avoiding all forms of physical punishment and emotional intimidation.

There are a number of reasons why ditching the fear factor is crucial for non-resident parents

1) Given the power the resident parent has, if your children fear you as the non-resident parent and they're reserved about coming to see you, you're contact with them is in serious danger, even if a firm contact order has been agreed. 

2) Fear shuts down creative thinking and over a long period of time, it prevents your children from being the best they can be.

3) Fearful children appear respectful when they're younger but all children eventually grow up and when they get bigger, their fear will turn into contempt. It's not a question of 'if', it's just a question of 'when'. 

4) Parenting with fear = lazy parenting! 

It takes more brain power as a parent to nurture your children if you discard fear and physical punishment from your toolbox. Of course it's just so much easier in the heat of the moment to shout and intimidate or worse - but easier is often not better and in all walks of life, the lazy approach never leads to success.  

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more in their lives by developing their influence, resilience and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

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Non-resident parenting at its best: Tip 3 - Avoid competitive parenting

When I separated from my ex-wife, I vowed never to take part in 'post-split competitive parenting' (ie looking for opportunities to outdo the other parent by 'over-treating' your kids during contact time)

• At worst, it eventually screws up your kids. At best, they become spoilt, playing one parent off against the other.

• In the long term, non-resident parents will lose if they try to compete against the resident parent so why start a battle which you're destined to lose? 

• Kids prefer quality time over gifts and treats (quality time means putting yourself in their shoes and being focussed on them, including helping them with homework, teaching them how to wash up and enjoying the mundane things in life)

If you want your children to be happy and grow up into secure young adults and if you want to get the best out of the precious moments of time your fortnightly contact allows:

1) Focus on being a consistent, firm and positive parent who is 'present' in body and mind with their children.

2) Forget about getting one over on your ex ... even if you get revenge somehow, it's never that sweet anyway!

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their influence, resilience and productivity: 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

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Non-resident parenting at its best: Tip 2 - Common sense dating

John has two young daughters from a previous marriage and thankfully he has regular contact with them. But he has a problem. His new partner doesn't like children ... and not just his children ... I mean any children! (this is a true story by the way with names changed for obvious reasons)

Whatever John's feelings for his partner, because of his family situation, the relationship is untenable and at best, it will be permanently fraught with difficulties, crashing agendas and plenty of heartache all round. The last time I heard from him, his partner was moving in with him and she was still complaining bitterly over the frequency with which he sees his kids. Even when his daughters grow up, what about any children they have?

So a word of advice for non-resident parents who are ready to date:

1) If your prospective partner doesn't like kids, it's a bad start, in fact, it's so bad that it's a DEAL BREAKER. Move on and find someone who does like children because you're a parent ...  which means you're not technically 'single' until your kids have grown up because they're an intrinsic part of the YOU package you offer.

2) If it's the reverse scenario and your partner is fine with children and likes your offspring, but your children don't like her/him, well that's not such bad news. Give it time ... it takes children a while to get used to someone new and sometimes the dislike is provoked by a bitter ex partner who is not ready for you to move on. 

3) Get a firm contact order in place before you become 'open' about your new relationship. 

Non-resident parents usually have more time and freedom to explore new relationships than the resident parent and in many cases, a new relationship heals some of the pain caused by no longer living with your children on a day-to-day basis. But without a firm contact order in place, new partners can spell trouble ... big trouble, for you and your contact with your children. 

However bad things were to cause the split with your ex partner (who is now the resident parent), things will get much worse as she/he struggles to adjust to a new parental figure around the children as well as a new person in your life. In some cases she/he will reduce or obstruct your contact in order to punish you ... it may sound negative but it happens ... alot. 

Get a firm contact order before you hit the dating scene - any new partner who genuinely cares about you will be patient and discreet whilst you sort out your contact order. 

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their influence, resilience and productivity.   

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

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Non-resident parenting at its best: Tip 1 - Make peace with unfair

I used to be a non-resident dad and spent years wrestling with the unfairness of my situation. 

The problem for non-resident parents in the UK is that the legal system greatly favours the resident parent, something which renders the non-resident parent utterly powerless and reliant on the good will of the resident parent, particularly if the children are young.  

Unfortunately, there are resident parents who use their children as a weapon to attack their ex-partners (the non-resident parent) by blocking contact in some cases, or constantly changing plans and creating a contact situation which is governed by the resident parent's whims and needs, rather than the needs of the children or what is reasonable.

In response to the unfairness it can be tempting to become bitter:

About your ex partner (the resident parent), something which negatively affects your emotions and long term physical health whilst also preventing you from thinking clearly when negotiating on key contact issues such as Christmas, frequency of contact or any contact at all. You'll also be tempted into 'ex partner slating' when you are with your kids and this only harms them, and their relationship with you.

About the system so you'll waste time, energy and possibly money, fighting a battle which you're destined to lose. 

About life which spoils your chances of moving on and being happy.

Thankfully there is a better way which worked wonders for me and my children when I was non-resident parent.

I focused on changing what I could actually change, whilst accepting the things I couldn't change and making peace with unfair. 

Life has always been unfair and will always be unfair. For some people it's economic unfairness or health related unfairness ... for non-resident parents it's relationship unfairness.

Make peace with it ... it's tough, but you have no choice so accept it as part of your life at the moment and when you make peace with unfair, you stop torturing yourself about the injustic you face. You also free your mind and energy to seek personal happiness whilst focusing on being the best parent you can be when you're with your children.

If, after everything, you still crave revenge ... be happy and make the most of your life - it's the best revenge you could take.  

Thanks for reading

I help people to achieve more by developing their resilience, influence and productivity: 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

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