How to discipline your children & build rapport at the same time

The look on her face said it all ... she knew she'd screwed up. 

Seeing us covered in muddy water (mixed with goose poo) and knowing that she was the culprit must have been a heart stopping moment for her.

My youngest daughter is 9 years' old and she's a bundle of energy. Unfortunately her enthusiasm means she often rushes into things without thinking and on a family walk in the park, she playfully kicked a large puddle. My wife definitely came off worse as she even got a taste of the goose poo which was floating in  the muddy puddle but we were both pretty soaked.

 So how do you manage your state in such a situation? 

Is this one of those exceptional occasions where unleashing your rage is excusable?

How do you effectively discipline your child so it doesn't happen again?

 Can this small, every-day calamity be used to good effect?

 This is how we handled it and why ...

• I informed my daughter that whilst I believed it was an accident, having created a mess, she was now responsible for sorting it out.

• I asked her what she could do to clear up the mess. She struggled to think of anything but was genuinely apologetic.

• I thanked her for her sincere apology and calmly suggested that in order to clear up the mess, she would have to doing the washing when we got home, something which unfortunately for her, would also include the contents of her baby brother's nappy bin (containing dirty washable nappies). She would then be responsible for hanging everything out. The inclusion of her brother's nappies didn't  go down well but she accepted it (somewhat begrudgingly) and when we got home, she did the wash and hung it all out (with a bit of guidance from me). 

So what's my point?

Several key things were achieved through this peaceful approach, which couldn't have been achieved had my wife and I started yelling when we got covered in the muddy slop.

 A) We avoided resorting to anger / fear as a means of disciplining our daughter because we managed our state. Whilst anger is a natural human emotion, uncontrolled anger creates fear, which kills imaginative thinking on the part of the child (and the adult for that matter).  Furthermore, fear is only an effective tool for discipline in the short term because in the long term, fear always turns to contempt and it's not a question of if, it's just a question of when!

B) We set a positive example for her to copy for when she's on the receiving end of someone else screwing-up.

C) We encouraged her to think for herself by asking her to consider how she could sort the mess out.  In this incident, she struggled to think of anything at the time, but if we deliver this approach repeatedly, it will help her to develop her ability to think when she's under pressure.

D) The consequence she faced was linked to her mistake. There was a clear connection between causing a mess and washing the clothes. Therefore, in spite of her reluctance to also handle her brother's dirty nappies, she recognised that our imposed consequence was fair. If your child sees you as fair rather than arbitrary, he/she will grow in respect for you.

 E) The consequence required her to take action in order to put things right, a far more effective method of teaching her a lasting lesson than delivering a lecture which she passively listens to, or grounding her so there is no specific action for her to complete.

 F) She learned how to do a wash, something which could be useful for us as we juggle the demands of a growing family and something which led her to observe just how much work it takes to sort out a wash.

The moral of the story?

Recently, my daughter suddenly said she thought we were brilliant parents and when I asked why, she emphasised two things ... fairness and no shouting!

When your kids screw up, there's usually a golden opportunity for building mutual respect and rapport ... so long as you:

1) Manage your state when things go wrong

2) Deliver a parenting model, which delivers the long-term outcomes you want for you and your children.

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

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3 steps to manage conflict with your children

I almost hit her and it would have been the stupidest thing I could have done.

Following an acrimonious divorce with my now ex-wife, my daughters (aged 7 and 4) lived with their mum. I was deeply fearful at the time that my ex would block my contact with them or that they might choose to stop coming to see me, but each fortnight, I made the trip from Birmingham to Somerset, picking them up from school on Friday at 3:15, taking them to my house in Birmingham for the weekend, before returning them to Somerset on Sunday. 

Unfortunately, the 6-hour round trip and the pressure of wanting to create the perfect weekend for my daughters took its toll and when we arrived in Birmingham on Friday evening, my daughters would get grumpy with each other, they’d then get stroppy with me as I waded into their argument and before we knew it, we’d all be shouting at each other. As much as I loved seeing them, I dreaded those Friday nights.

One week, things got so bad, that I almost hit my eldest daughter for what would have been the first time in her life. Thankfully as I went to strike her, something stopped me. This was utter madness and I was being a fool! There simply had to be a better way of handling this situation and if I'd hit her, not only would I have deliberately hurt one of the most precious people in my life, I would also have given my ex-wife the perfect excuse for blocking my contact.

So I took a deep breath, I walked away from the situation, I poured myself a glass of wine had a think and took three vital steps:

1) I identified my desired outcome: The Friday night tension could ultimately contribute to an outcome, which I desperately wanted to avoid, that my daughters would report back negatively to my ex-wife who would no doubt use their complaints to block contact, or that they’d choose to stop coming. At best it started the weekends on a sour note and broke down my rapport with my daughters. My desired outcome was to reduce the Friday night tension peacefully, decisively and intelligently, so that everyone (including me) got a better deal.

2) I took measures to manage my state: As a single man, I was going to bed too late, so by the time of the weekends with my daughters, I was seriously tired. I therefore resolved to go to bed earlier in the nights leading up to those weekends so I felt fresher. I also decided to leave Birmingham earlier on Fridays so when I arrived in Somerset, I would still had time to grab a coffee, do some work on my laptop and have a short walk before picking up the girls from school. This would break-up the 6-hour round-trip for me and help relieve my fatigue. 

I also vowed that whatever kicked off on Friday between my daughters, I would stay calm and let certain things go if necessary. Discipline could be tighter on Saturday and Sunday, but NOT on Friday evenings.

3) I took measures to manage my daughter's state: I put myself in my daughter’s shoes and considered the likely challenges they were struggling with on Friday nights. I concluded that they were probably tired after a week at school, a bit disorientated by the change in their domestic routine, bored after spending three hours in the car and hungry by the time we arrived in Birmingham at 7pm. As a result, I took some simple steps to manage their state:

- I bought a DVD player + mini flat screens so they could watch a movie on the motorway. I also subscribed to love film so there was new stuff to watch for each journey.

- I ensured there was a lunch box for each of them so they had their supper in the car whilst watching their movie, rather than waiting till 7pm when we arrived at my house.

- I found a decent pub half-way between Birmingham and Somerset and we always stopped there for a 5 minute loo break and a packet of crisps so that the journey was broken up for my daughters.

A funny thing then happened … our Friday night blues turned into Friday night bliss.

The shouting ceased and the tension subsided. I didn’t use any clever disciplinary techniques, or bribery. I didn’t become a door-mat, giving in to whatever my daughters wanted, nor did I employ any rocket science, any aggressive parenting or super-dad/super nanny ideas to create this mini revolution. 

I simply identified my desired outcome and took basic steps to manage their state and mine.

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

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4 tips to teach children how to deal with FEAR

When it comes to wine, champagne and pate, the French are pretty much ahead of us Brits … but there’s another area where they definitely have the edge.

Across Britain, there’s been a surge in the number of rope swing/assault courses, which are set in the trees and under the banner of GO APE. They make for a great family day out and even for light-hearted people, they’re fairly tame affairs. But take yourself across the channel to one of the French versions and you enter a different world. The complexity of their courses, the difficulty of the obstacles and the sheer height factor, it’s enough to give the wobbles to the bravest of souls.

And so it was, on a family holiday in the South of France last year, that along with my eldest daughter aged 10, I found myself clinging to a tree for dear life, 15 meters up, streaming with sweat and wondering why I’d paid good money to put us through such a trial. Unfortunately for my daughter's two friends (also aged 10), they were also up there with us, hanging on and also wishing they were back on solid ground.

Now there are a lot of similarities between my daughter and her friends. They’re sporty, fit, happy and outgoing, they receive strong parenting and are encouraged greatly in the various aspects of their lives, but on that day, there was one crucial difference between them which meant that my daughter completed the course whilst her friends had to be helped down by the staff and went home disappointed that they’d not been able to complete it.

Due to some of the unique challenges, which my daughter has faced, she’s been deliberately coached to handle herself in times of extreme stress and has developed well-rehearsed strategies to control her mind.

On several occasions during the course, my daughter could be heard repeating to herself

"I’m harnessed so I can’t fall. This might be scary, but I can do this."

"Come on, you can do this. It’s just the height that makes this scary and I'm harnassed so I can't fall."

On several occasions, I heard her friends say:

"I’m going to fall, I’m going to fall."

"I can’t do this, I’m stuck."

Unsurprisingly, for my daughter and her friends, their self-talk dictated the outcome (as it does in so many situations in our lives). Up in the trees and fighting the fear, my daughter demonstrated her ability to MANAGE HER STATE, something, which is critical for success whether that’s in sport, relationships or business.

- She focused on her permanent strengths (“Come on, you can do this.")

        

- She avoided paralysis through fear by considering the situation from a variety of angles (“It’s just the height that makes this scary. I can’t fall because I’m harnessed.”)

So a key question remains for parents … how do you teach children to manage their state?

Tip 1 - Be a model:

Children replicate their parent’s characteristics. Whatever you want your child to be and whatever you want them NOT to be, examine your own behaviour to check it sets the right example.

Subtle hint - YOU CANNOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO MANAGE THEIR STATE IF YOU'RE UNABLE TO MANAGE YOURS! 

 Tip 2 - Zero tolerance to “can’t” (for you and your children):

Family life is tiring, whether it’s housework, finances, school runs, temper tantrums … it never stops and often it’s overwhelming. Amidst the chaos and fatigue, it’s easy to allow bits of negativity to go unchallenged, but once it does, it’s a slippery slope.

Whether your child is complaining about housework, school-work, or they’re trying a new food, or struggling with a subject they don’t like or an activity you’ve planned … you must be 100% committed to weeding out the word “can’t” from their vocabulary (and yours). The word “can’t“, leads children to avoid the things which they could conquer in time, and it paralyses them when the pressure is on.

Tip 3 – Coaching approach to parenting

The more you command and the less you coach, the less your children will think for themselves and the less they’ll be able to think their way out of difficult situations. Therefore, if you want your children to be successful, you have to encourage them to think for themselves and adopt a coaching parenting approach instead of a commanding approach:

For example, swop:

"Get off the fence because you’ll break it." (command)

With:

"What will happen if you keep playing on the fence?" (coaching)

Allow your children to find the answers for themselves, guiding them to the answers if necessary.

Tip 4 – Strength finding

Invest time with your children to help them discover, and remember their unique strengths. Their awareness of the things which make them special and valued, will be vital to keeping them positive and logical when they’re feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

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My top 6 mantras (and why!)

When we're frustrated, fearful or overwhelmed, there's a real value in connecting with positive mantras, which comfort us, provide perspective and help us feel more peaceful. My top 6 mantras include five which I've made up for my own use and for my daughters, and one which I've shamelessly stolen from someone else but it still works well for me.

1) Focus on the things you can actually change whilst making peace with the things you can't change.

So this is clearly the stolen mantra!

There can be a point in fighting battles as the under-dog, particularly if the battle is important to you. But at the same time, it's wise to check whether making peace with someone/something is more intelligent and productive because the outcome could be beyond your control or influence. Furthermore, for the worriers out there (and I know how you feel because I used to be a chronic worrier), it's helpful to categorise your worries into 'worries you can influence', and 'worries you can't influence'. The second step is then to choose NOT to dwell on the things you can't influence whilst taking action to deal with the worries you can influence.

2) Ignore 'unfair' ... find the gems.

I made this up for my young daughter when she endured some particularly difficult circumstances in her life. We agreed together that life is brutally unfair, that it always has been and always will be, but within the darkness of 'unfair', there are sparkly gems which comfort us. Amazingly, the more you look for the sparkly gems, the more they sparkle and the more they light up the darkness, but the more you focus on the darkness, the less they sparkle until they completely disappear and you're left in total darkness. If you want to be happy, ignore 'unfair' ... find the gems.

3) Never ever give up 
A) Change course when it's wise to do so. 
B) Always move forward and avoid going round in circles. 
C) Only look back in order to learn and celebrate but make sure you then turn around and look forward again.   

I used to be a firm believer in 'never ever give up', until my tenacity caused me all kinds of problems by keeping me hanging onto completely lost causes, both in relationships and business. As any entrepreneur will tell you, persistence is a key component of becoming successful, but it's equally important to balance persistence with wisdom. So my above mantra (which I guess is inspired from the world of orienteering), comes in three parts and helps me to be both persistent and WISE.

4) The majority of our problems are minor and temporary inconveniences.

There's always someone worse off than we are, whether we're looking at our finances, business, relationships or health.

Most of us are incredibly blessed in our lives buy yet many of us choose to become incredibly stressed by the small things like being stuck in traffic, or not getting our own way at work, or when we're overwhelmed by our 'chores' … and then there's the bedroom our kids simply won't tidy, or the person who queue jumped us at the supermarket!

THE MAJORITY OF OUR PROBLEMS ARE MINOR AND TEMPORARY INCONVENIENCES.

Reminding myself of this helps me to chill out when I'm stuck in a traffic jam or being cut-up by someone else's poor driving skills … it also helps if I have Classic FM on the radio!

5) The only important question is … 'how do I do it better next time'? 

My daughter recently came home from school, upset because she got a low mark on an essay she'd just completed. Thankfully, she knows me well enough to know that a) she wouldn't be in trouble with me, b) I wouldn't be interested in hearing about whether or not it was a fair mark or why her friend who wrote a shorter essay, got a better mark, c) My only interest would be to examine what specifically went wrong so she can do it better next time.

Whether you're second in a race, or you screw-up a business pitch, or struggle to achieve what you set out to achieve, there's no point in getting bogged down in who's fault it is, or self-pity and/or guilt, or whether it's fair or not … the only key question is 'how do I do it better next time'?

By focusing on this question, you free yourself from potential bitterness which ruins logical thinking and performance, and instead, you channel your thinking into a world of positive, self-improvement.

6) Wise generals pick their battles and live long lives, brave warriors fight all their battles and die young.

Too many people fight all the battles they face, which means they:

A) Get caught up in trivial fights, which drain their energy for the more important battles.
B) Fight battles which are not theirs to fight.
C) Don't take time to reflect on their strategy and how to improve it.
D) Lose track of the importance of timing and it's impact on a successful outcome.
E) Never choose to rest ... so they burn-out.

I'd rather be a wise general, considering and picking my battles, weighing up whether or not it's a trivial fight which should be avoided, or whether or not I have a fighting chance of winning, or whether or not it's morally right to fight, whether there's a more peaceful way to influence the outcome, and deliberately choosing to walk away from some battles whilst fighting others.

So those are my top 6 mantras - I'd love to hear what your top mantras are!

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

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How to create resilient children, using a 5-step process

My eldest daughter (aged 11 at the time), was brimming with confidence that she’d get a main part in the school play. Given her acting skills and the fact that she goes to a private drama academy, she was sure she’d sail through her auditions. Unfortunately, she didn’t secure a main part, or even a small part and was put in the chorus group!

She was devastated and when she came home that day, it was clear that her learned resilience strategies had gone out the window and she was stuck in doom and gloom.

"I’m rubbish at drama … I can’t believe I didn’t even get one line … it’s not fair … Why do I even bother going to drama academy?"

If you want to your child to become resilient, you can teach them a simple 5-step process to help them overcome their disappointments.

Step 1: Negative feelings expressed, using temporary language

When your children face defeat, encourage them to use temporary words like "today", "at the moment" and "right now" when they express their negative feelings.

This helps them to perceive their problems as temporary and if they believe them to be temporary, it feels less overwhelming (this is true whether you’re an adult or a child). As a result they’re more likely to take a positive view of their world, in spite of the problems they face.

Example (of my daughter's drama disappointment) - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted." 

Step 2: Re-enforce their belief that they’re permanently brilliant people who faced a temporary set-back

Help them to deliberately emphasise their permanent qualities and indicate that on a different day, it could have been a different result.

Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama."

Step 3: Identify the external things which impacted the event and which were beyond their control 

Some people struggle with this step because they see it as making excuses and passing off the blame but I call it identifying external factors and it adds to the learning experience.

In the example of my daughter’s audition, when we reflected on the external circumstances of the day, we remembered that she almost stayed at home because she was feeling unwell. In the end it was a 50/50 decision and because we were short on child-care options, she went to school, but she was definitely not herself.

Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions."

Step 4: Examine the specifics of what went wrong and use them to create a/some learning points

Finding external factors does not have to be another word for making excuses … so long as you also identify specific learning points to help you improve your performance for next time. In this example, my daughter recognised that because she was feeling unwell, she might not have put as much energy and focus into the audition.

Therefore, even though she has a natural flair for drama and should have had the upper hand as a result of her involvement with the drama academy, she needs to ensure that whenever it’s time to perform, whether it’s drama auditions or something else, she has to give 100%. Anything less and she may not achieve what she wants. When she worked through this learning point, she vowed that next time, she’d be ready … well or unwell!

Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions. I need to ensure that in future, when I perform, I’m fully focused and give 100%."

Step 5: Find something to be grateful for

Highlighting a specific learning point from a set-back is in itself something to be grateful for, but working to identify other things for which you can be thankful is a powerful exercise. On this occasion, she felt grateful that in two weeks time, she’d be running the 400M on her school sports day in the gifted and talented section so she had another chance to shine.

Example: "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions. I need to ensure that in future, when I perform, I am fully focused and give 100%. At least I have another chance to make an impact in two weeks time on sports day and I’ll ensure I’m completely prepared."

Using this simple formula, she quickly felt at peace about her disappointment and accepted it. She performed her chorus part with enthusiasm and was gracious about the other children who were given the main roles she so badly wanted … and when it came to her 400M on sports day two weeks later, she nailed it and won the race with a gutsy and tactically brilliant run.

(This 5-step process is inspired by Mark Sheasby, a professional Sports Mind Coach and good friend - for more information on how to adapt the techniques he uses with professional athletes to use with children, watch this space!)

Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

Call me - 0121 420 3457 / 07760 444 946

Email me - enquiries@impactlife.co.uk

Connect with me on Linkedin - http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewpain

Like me on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ImpactLifeUK

Follow me on twitter - www.twitter.com/andrewpain1974
Check out my website - www.impactlife.co.uk